


Shame

by libellules



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alex loves weed (as any true Even would), Everyone Is Alive, M/M, SKAM!AU, Skam really is my muse, inspired by Tommy and Brandon's friendship, with some changes because there aren't enough girls in this show
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-20
Packaged: 2019-11-19 16:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/libellules/pseuds/libellules
Summary: Maybe it was the weed clouding his judgment, or the way the sun was cascading through the air and reflecting in Alex's brown eyes, but the boy in front of Justin was truly beautiful. And it absolutely terrified him. Boys weren't supposed to be beautiful, Justin was supposed to say that about girls. But there he was: beautiful.Or the SKAM AU that nobody asked for but this fandom deserves.





	1. Beautiful Brown Eyes

Saturday 11:32pm

Migos blasted through the speakers of Kat’s house, drunken teenagers sipping out of plastic cups lined the walls with a few strays lurking on the carpets for a dance, the stench of weed floated from the backyard all the way to the second story guest bathroom where Justin, Jeff, Zach, and Scott sat with their legs tossed over the side of Kat’s clawfoot tub.

“Fuck, man, she wouldn’t leave me alone,” whined Justin from his spot between Zach and Jeff, taking the joint from Jeff’s fingers and letting it rest on his lips for a moment. 

“I seriously don’t get what you’re complaining about,” Scott chimed in as Justin took a particularly strong inhale and ended up having to cough the smoke out of his lungs for a few seconds before answering, giving Zach time to add his opinion into the mix. 

“Chloe’s like seriously hot,” he said, finally taking the joint from Justin once he was able to take a proper inhale, resting his neck on the other side of the tub as the weed settled his nerves. 

“Chloe’s like a five, maybe a six on a good day,” declared Justin haphazardly before continuing, “there’s not a single girl at this party who’s a ten, or even an eight.”

“So, you’re telling me there’s not a single girl here you would hit?” Scott asked dumbfounded. Justin shook his head and then sat up a little straighter, letting his head flop gently from one shoulder to the next and then shook his head. 

“Well,” Justin proposed, tone changing, “maybe there was one girl.” 

“Who?” Jeff asked, suddenly regaining interest in the conversation. All eyes were on Justin, eager to hear which Crestmont woman was going to deemed worthy of their best friend’s eye. 

“That new girl,” Justin began, unable to remember her name. “The one that’s friends with Kat, curly hair and nice rack.” Zach and Scott seemed giddy with excitement as they began exchange possibilities for the mystery girl’s name. 

“Hannah,” Jeff suddenly remembered. “Yeah, dude, she’s in my Lit class and she’s like really smart.” 

“And hot,” Scott agreed, although far less interested in her English grade. Zach playfully punched Scott in the upper arm and took the joint from him, taking another long hit. Zach rarely got high with the boys—beer being his choice of weapon—but tonight was a special occasion, they were finally sophomores, no more getting ratted on for being fresh meat or getting sat on the bench during games—it was going to be their year. 

Just as the conversation began evolving into more than just the women of the hour, a girl’s head popped through the doorway, Justin recognized her immediately as Sheri, one of the few cheerleaders who had ever turned down the mighty Bryce Walker. 

“Can you just give me like ten seconds?” she asked, grumbling escaping her stomach loudly.

“This bathroom’s kinda taken,” Jeff exclaimed, motioning his hands around the tub filled with very high teenage boys. She rolled her eyes and let out a small huff. 

“Well, somebody’s having sex in the downstairs bathroom,” she groaned and then, “Please?” 

“Sorry, not gonna happen,” Scott stated. “It took us two hours to finally get this tub, we’re not budging.” 

“Hurl outside in the bushes like everybody else,” Zach offered, giggling to himself long after he spoke. Sheri completely ignored the comment and the annoyed facial expressions of the boys and made her way over to the toilet and began vomiting. 

Whines erupted from the group of boys as another girl pushed open the door and made her way inside, running over to Sheri to hold her hair out of the toilet bowl. It only took the boys in the tub a moment to realize that the girl who had just arrived was none other than Hannah Baker. Justin perked up at her arrival, however, she seemed to pay absolutely zero attention to the pile of high boys. 

“Do you mind?” she asked, motioning to the doorway as Sheri finished vomiting and sat up, wiping residue off her chin as Hannah stood up to get her a glass of water from the sink. Jeff gave Justin a subtle wink and Zach gave him a pat on the back as he stood up from the tub. 

“Well, you see, my friends and I actually reserved this room for the evening,” he explained, cheeky smile plastered on his face. Though clearly annoyed, Hannah seemed open to playing along with the charade and smiled back. 

“It looks like there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding,” she noted. “Why don’t you go down to the front desk and work this out with Kat?” 

“I was actually thinking of a different way of resolving this little issue,” Justin prompted, taking a step closer to Hannah and inhaling the joint one last time before exhaling and pressing his lips towards Hannah’s so she could catch the smoke, which she did. When all of the clouds of weed had parted from their lips, Justin put a hand on the back of Hannah’s throat and pulled her closer so they would properly make out. 

With minimal chatter of excitement and annoyance at having to leave, all three boys and Sheri made their way quickly out of the bathroom as Justin lead Hannah against the counter, hitching her up so she could sit on the granite. Everything was going just fine until she began to unloop his belt and he pulled away, instantly uncomfortable and desperate for an excuse. 

“I don’t have a . . .” he trailed off, scratching the back of his neck and feeling somewhat shy for the first time all night. 

“There are other things we can do without a condom,” offered Hannah. Justin shook his head, wishing she would just take the bait and bail on the whole ordeal. 

“Look, you’re really pretty but I’m just not feeling it tonight,” he attempted but she wasn’t having any of it and, with a roll of her eyes and an angry sigh, she hopped off the counter and rushed out of the room, forcefully bumping against his shoulder on her way out. 

In one sweet moment of relief, Justin slid his belt back into place and ran a hand through his hair before he heard the distant echoing of a siren. His reflexes urged him to dash out of the bathroom, but his brain reminded him of the plastic baggie filled with Jeff’s weed in his pocket and he ran to the back of the house to look for a place to hide it. The cops were walking into the house as he stuck the weed behind a throw pillow and escaped through the back door where Jeff, Zach, and Scott were waiting for him in Jeff’s car.

* * *

Sunday 11:41am

Justin woke up to the chirping of an incoming text on his phone and picked it up to find, surprisingly, that he had woken up before noon. Less happily, he noticed the text was from his Mom.

_I miss you so much, baby. It gets so lonely here when Seth is gone and I think if you just apologized he would let you come home. Call me soon because I just miss you so much and I know you want to come home. I want us to be a family again!_

The text had been sent around eight a.m. and Justin groaned, tossing the phone onto the mattress and wiping the sleep out of his eyes. It still felt weird waking up in that room—a room in the tiny apartment that was truly beginning to feel like a home. Just as Justin realized he was still fully clothed and dying to remove his jeans, Ryan and Skye walked in. Ryan was facetiming with Courtney—who had been living in Justin’s room for the past six months but had decided to study abroad. 

About a month ago, Justin had been massively drunk at one of Bryce’s beginning of the school year parties—yes, he always threw multiple—one thing had led to another and he woke up on Ryan’s couch with one of the biggest hangovers of his life. Disoriented and extremely confused, all Ryan had said was he had been really upset the night before and told Ryan he had nowhere to go. When Ryan had offered the extra bedroom to Justin for very minimal rent, Justin had been baffled. With the pain of a beating from Seth that had happened the previous night pulsating through his body, Justin had agreed and he had been living with Ryan and Skye ever since. 

Skye was the ideal roommate, in Justin’s opinion. She kept to herself most of the time, her things were always tidy, and she was trying to teach herself how to bake so the apartment always smelled like chocolate chip cookies. Occasionally, she would be in her room for days on end and Justin would worry, but he never said anything and Ryan usually knew what to do to lure her back out into the living room to watch the latest episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians—if anyone asked, Justin absolutely _did not_ love that show. 

Ryan, on the other hand, was constantly in Justin’s space. Granted, he was usually trying to ask Justin about how things were going at home—Justin had later come to learn that, in his drunken state, he had told Ryan all about his Mom and Seth and how he had gotten pummeled by Seth and then kicked out—or offering help with his schoolwork. Justin chose, most of the time, to shoo Ryan away or, if necessary, give a few happy one-word answers to get the worrywart off his back. 

All in all, the weird little apartment was a hell of a lot better than living with his Mom and Seth and it was worlds better than hanging out in Bryce’s pool house. It had always been his go to, but during their freshman year Bryce had become extremely controlling and had started to manipulate Justin to the point that Jeff, Zach, and Scott had held an intervention and basically told Justin that it was in his best interest to ditch Bryce. 

“We miss you so much,” Ryan cooed into the phone, pulling Justin out of his sleepy daze as he and Skye cuddled around Justin on the bed, Ryan dangling the phone in front of them. “Justin is so smelly.”

“M’ not that smelly,” Justin protested, his voice sleepy and musty, fingers tugging the comforter over his face to hide away from this obnoxious facetime. Ryan tugged the blankets back down. 

“He doesn’t like green tea!” chimed in Skye, as if this was somehow the only quality she cared about in a roommate. All Justin wanted to do was go back to sleep. 

“Enough about him,” Courtney spoke from over the phone. “I want to hear all about Mitchell.” Mitchell was Ryan’s latest Tinder conquest. 

“Oh, he was so boring. That ended like three boys ago,” explained Ryan, finally sitting up and pulling away from Justin. “Tell me about your French girls!”

* * *

Monday 9:16 p.m.

“So, now what?” Jeff asked Scott, the short boy bouncing a rubber ball up and down through the hallway, hardly interested in the conversation and much more intent on the bouncing of his ball. “I just ask her out? Yeah, I doubt that’s gonna work.”

“Oh, come on, man,” Zach added, “What’s the worst that could happen?” 

“Well, uh, she could say no in front of everyone and I could be humiliated!” 

“Or,” chimed Jeff, “she would say yes!” Zach seemed to be in total agreement but Scott looked over to Justin to hear what he had to say. Justin hadn’t been paying the conversation much attention, so he was very pleased when it was interrupted by Hannah, Sheri, Kat, and Chloe. 

“Hello, boys,” greeted Chloe in her typical peppy manner, something that Justin had always assumed was either fake or a symptom of too many Starbuck’s Frappuccinos. “Are you interested in joining our new club? 

“What’s the club?” asked Jeff, taking a flyer from Chloe. Only he seemed interested in listening, and Scott only feigned interest because Chloe was the one speaking. Zach was scrolling through his phone and opening, what looked to be, not very important group texts from the basketball team. 

“It’s basically just a way for students to get together and just hang out and just have a chill time without worrying about getting ratted out on or the police coming.” 

“Is this a club or a party?” Scott asked, confused by her answer. 

“It’s a club, moron,” Sheri stated. “And you should come, because it’s actually gonna be pretty cool.” 

“And there will be snacks!” Hannah enticed, her eyebrows bouncing up and down. Zach’s gaze peered up from his phone at the mention of food, suddenly seeming onboard. 

“When is it?” asked Jeff. 

“The first meeting is during free period today,” answered Chloe. 

“Man, that’s when we usually hit open gym,” Scott groaned. 

“We’ll get back to you, Chloe,” Jeff reassured her, sounding as if he actually intended to have a conversation about it with the boys—which he probably didn’t. Chloe seemed satisfied with his promise and she and the girls scurried off to the next group of teenagers in the hallway. 

“There’s no way in hell we’re going to that club thing during open gym.”

* * *

Monday 11:07 a.m.

“I seriously don’t get it, though,” Scott whined and Justin couldn’t help but sigh in frustration. It was looking like there was no way he would be passing this Chemistry midterm in two weeks and Scott’s questions about the homework were just making him even more confused.

“What don’t you get?” Justin and Scott turned from their seats at the lab table to see Sheri standing directly behind them. “Do you mind giving me a minute with Justin?” she asked to Scott. With minimal protest about his right to sit in the same seat every day, Scott finally gave them some space and went to talk to Jeff and Zach. 

“So,” Sheri began, sliding into Scott’s empty seat. “You’re coming to the club meeting today and you’re going to bring your boys.” 

“I’m sorry, Sheri, but it’s during open gym. There’s really no way they’re gonna want to come,” explained Justin. Sheri didn’t seem to care at all about what he was saying and simply shook her head. 

“I don’t think you’re hearing me,” Sheri said. “You’re coming.” As she spoke she carefully revealed the plastic bag in his palm but clasped her fingers shut when Justin reached for it. 

“Where did you get that?” he asked. 

“You weren’t very subtle,” Sheri noted. “Were you seriously gonna let Kat take the fall for that? If you want this back, you’ll come to the meeting today.” 

“Enough talking,” the teacher’s voice echoed through the classroom. 

“Be there,” Sheri warned as she began to stand up and make her way back to her lab table. 

“Miss Holland, where do you think you’re going?” 

“Back to my seat, sir.” 

“Uh-uh,” the teacher argued, motioning his index finger to the chair beside Justin. “If you and Mr. Foley are getting so buddy-buddy, you might as well become lab partners.” 

Sheri took her seat beside Justin and, from the across the room, Scott sent Justin a big thumbs up and terrible attempt at a wink as he took Sheri’s former spot next to Chloe.

* * *

Monday 2:02 p.m.

Taking a seat at the back table, Justin sent yet another text in the group chat asking where the boys were. It was silent for what seemed like an eternity so Justin opened up Snapchat to check their locations. They were at open gym.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Justin mumbled under his breath and Sheri approached him. 

“Where are they?” she asked, scanning the room at the small handful of random sophomores and juniors that had actually shown up. 

“I told you, they didn’t want to come,” Justin explained, eager for her to finally give in and just return Jeff’s weed. 

“What did you say?” she asked. 

“It doesn’t matter; I don’t control them and they’d rather go to open gym!” 

“Well no weed until they show up,” Sheri demanded and then returned to the front of the room with the girls as Chloe began to introduce herself and the club. Justin reached down to grab his backpack and attempt to slide out of the room unnoticed when he heard a soft voice directed towards himself. 

“Is anybody sitting here?” 

In front of Justin was, perhaps, the most beautiful human being he had ever laid eyes on: bleach blond hair and deep brown eyebrows with the most piercing brown eyes. 

“Uh, no,” Justin said, voice squeaking slightly and Justin couldn’t figure out why, couldn’t figure out why he couldn’t draw his eyes away from the boy as he took the seat beside Justin. As the boy sat, Justin let go of the backpack and decided that he might as while stick around because it was too late to make it to open gym. That was the only reason why he should stay. His decision definitely didn’t have anything to do with this beautiful boy. 

“Alex,” the boy offered. It took Justin a few moments to realize that must’ve been his name. 

“I’m Justin.” 

“I know,” Alex said completely seriously and Justin finally tore his gaze away, feeling flustered. He focused his attention on Chloe’s little speech about teenagers needing a safe space to express their feelings and emotions without being judged. Bored instantly, he redirected his gaze at Alex, who was now looking Justin right in the eyes. 

“Wanna ditch?” Alex pushed his hair back from behind his ear slightly to reveal a joint and Justin immediately nodded, desperate for an excuse to get out this meeting and take a drag. 

Justin followed Alex quietly out of the classroom, through the empty hall, and out the doors into the courtyard. The garden was filled with students so Alex and Justin made their way passed all the relaxing teens and behind the bleachers. Justin felt like such a cliché getting high under the bleachers during school hours, but he didn’t care enough to _not_ get high under the bleachers. Alex lit the joint and took a deep inhale, passing it over to Justin so he could take a hit. 

“What were you doing at that club meeting?” Justin asked after letting out a puff of smoke. Alex gave him what appeared to be the softest and most sly smile Justin had ever seen. Alex’s eyes were glowing as if there was a fire in his pupils. 

“I’m new,” he explained, voice just as sweet as when he had asked Justin to sit down. “I don’t really know anybody here, so I thought I would try to meet some people.” Justin nodded, following but unsure of what he could say. Inside, Justin was processing the right words to tell Alex that they could one hundred and fifty percent be friends, but the words were stuck somewhere in his brain and all he could do was stare at Alex’s bleached hair and his pretty eyes as he took another deep inhale of the weed. “What about you?” 

“I’m being blackmailed,” admitted Justin, making Alex laugh—and his laugh was even more astounding than his smile and Justin felt completely transfixed in Alex’s body language: the way he relaxed against the metal rods of the bleachers and his shoulders seemed to sit so confidently under that beautiful face. Justin felt awkward sitting down while Alex continued to stand, but his legs felt far too much like jelly to stand up. Alex crouched down to hand him the joint and Justin was content to have returned to Alex’s eye level so he could gaze into those brown eyes again. 

“Blackmailed? Kinky.” 

“Shut up,” Justin protested, immediately cringing at how completely idiotic and young he sounded. “Sheri’s holding my weed hostage.” Alex’s right hand grasped his chest as if he was having a heart attack and Alex feigned a gasp. 

“Not your weed!” This time they were both laughing and Justin wanted nothing more than to continue listening to that beautiful sound when suddenly Hannah appeared in front of them. 

“Mind if I join?” she asked. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be like running the meeting?” Justin asked while Alex handed her the joint. She took a deep inhale and then started coughing, handing the joint over to Justin so that their fingers would touch for a single moment. Justin pulled away quickly, bringing the joint to his lips. 

“Yeah, I guess. It’s kind of more Chloe’s thing though,” she prompted, Alex nodding as if he totally understood where she was coming from. Justin, however, knew she was out here only to flirt and wracked his brain for the perfect words to send her running back inside. 

“Our weed is your weed,” Alex chimed in before Justin could scare her away. Justin wanted to be mad at Alex for practically inviting Hannah to stay, but the only person he was annoyed with in that moment was Hannah because, as soon as she sat down between them, those beautiful brown eyes were torn from his view. 

Maybe it was the weed clouding his judgment, or the way the sun was cascading through the air and reflecting in Alex's brown eyes, but the boy in front of Justin was truly beautiful. And it absolutely terrified him. Boys weren't supposed to be beautiful, Justin was supposed to say that about girls. But there he was: beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically what happened here was me being totally obsessed with Skam (and I mean, come on, there's like four Skams airing right now so how am I supposed to concentrate on my other Justlex WIPs?) and then this mess of a work kind of happened. It's going to be a little OOC because Alex is going to be bipolar in this fic and he isn't in the show, and some of the other characters aren't spot on but I think it's fineeee because we need a Justlex/Evak crossover. Also, some aspects of the AU will be different because I'm not going to make Hannah out Justin and Jess is going to be nicer to Justin than Sonja was to Isak.... because they are like the only female characters in 13 so I need to portray them in a good light okay!? Also this isn't my best writing but that's because I'm more focused on the plot than the description (which is so ooc for me) but hopefully that means I actually finish this!
> 
> Anywayyyy, enjoy and let me know if you have any advice for trying to merge 13 characters to this plot. I'm still trying to figure out where Clay's place in this story is going to be, so if anybody has any ideas please let me know!


	2. Aiding and Abetting

Sunday 5:52 pm.

_Alex._

The biggest issue with this mysterious bleached-haired boy seemed to be that his name was so ridiculously common that he was impossible to stalk online. Justin found himself typing the name into the Instagram search bar and then from the list of Chloe, Sheri, and even Hannah’s list of followers and followings. Alex was nowhere to be found and it was driving Justin insane. 

“Does it make me desperate to hook up with Eric after everything that’s gone down?” Ryan asked suddenly. Justin set his phone down defeatedly on the kitchen table and spun his fork around in the spaghetti that Skye had made to distract himself from Alex’s lack of social media presence and the fact that Ryan was coming to _him_ for boy advice. 

“How should I know?” Justin asked before shoving an entirely too full mound of noodles into his mouth—immediately regretting it and almost chocking. 

“I mean,” Ryan continued as Justin spit some of the excess spaghetti into a napkin—Skye gave him a firm pat on the back from her seat beside him; Ryan continued with his Tinder debacle unaffected by the situation—“I very clearly told him that I wasn’t going to hook up with somebody who’s so far in his closet that we can’t fuck with the lights on.” 

“Jesus, I didn’t need to know that,” Justin cringed, thankful there was no spaghetti left in his mouth to spit out at the thought of Ryan and some other guy having sex. 

“Oh sweetheart, toughen up,” Ryan teased at the reaction. Justin glanced over to Skye for defense but she was enthralled with a movie on her phone, headphones so tight on her head that Justin wondered if she would hear if they started screaming. “Seriously, does it make me desperate?” 

“I mean, yeah, it kind of does,” Justin answered, unsure of how Ryan would take the truth. Ryan just shrugged. 

“I know, he was just really good and I hate to give it up,” Ryan sighed, gazing endearingly at his phone—Justin assumed he had Eric’s profile on the screen. 

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Justin added when Ryan clearly didn’t intend to let the subject sway. 

“What would you do? I mean, if you were in my shoes,” asked Ryan. 

“I’m not gay,” Justin instantly defended, feeling embarrassed when Ryan just rolled his eyes.

“Relax, I’m not saying you are,” Ryan explained. “I just want to know which is more important: the sex or the actual person.” 

“I’m so over this conversation,” Justin exclaimed, shoving a smaller bite of spaghetti into his mouth. 

“And I’m so sick of you living here for free,” Ryan retorted, leaving Justin to feel embarrassed yet again. “Don’t look at me with those puppy dog eyes, live here as long as you want. Just give me some advice because he wants to meet up tonight.” 

“Oh my god,” Justin groaned, standing up from his chair and carrying his plate over to the dishwasher. “Have sex with him. Or, do you know what, don’t. I really don’t care.” 

“No need to be so moody,” Ryan called after him as Justin snuck back into his room for the night.

Monday 8:47 a.m.

Right after the first-period bell rang, Justin darted out of Algebra to the bulletin board across the hall where Chloe had posted a sign-up sheet for her little club. Sure enough, there was an Alex on the list. Alex Standall.

Not wanting to draw attention to his internet stalking in the crowded halls, Justin slid into the Chemistry Lab early so he could stalk unnoticed. Typing Alex Standall into the Instagram search bar proved much more successful than just typing Alex. There were a few possible accounts but only on profile picture contained the bleached hair that had been trailing in Justin’s thoughts for past three days. Clicking on the profile, Justin was relieved to see it really was him—the whole situation hadn’t been just a figment of his imagination.

There were only a few pictures on Alex’s account: the first was a cup of black coffee from Monet’s with the caption _This coffee is like my soul_ —Justin chuckled audibly at the joke and then looked around to see if the other two students in the room had heard; they hadn’t. The second photo was a painting of ‘giant-man-squid’ as described by the caption. Justin wondered for the first time in his life what sort of art he might be able to produce. The following picture was of two other seniors, Clay Jensen and Tony Padilla, at Monet’s. Justin began to wonder if Alex perhaps worked there. 

His content trance through Alex’s Instagram was interrupted before he could click on any more photos by Sheri taking a seat next to him. 

“Hey,” she greeted, taking a notebook and a pencil case out of her backpack. 

“Hey,” responded Justin. “Did you bring my weed?” 

“Shh,” she ordered, both suddenly paranoid that the teacher had heard. “Yeah, I’ve got it.” 

“So, can I have it?”

“That depends.” Justin groaned, she couldn’t seriously still be blackmailing him? 

“Sheri, come on. I’m part of the club; that was the deal.” Sheri simply shrugged. 

“The deal was that you’d bring your friends,” she stated. 

“They didn’t want to come and I couldn’t tell them why I had to go,” Justin explained and Sheri seemed to finally be coming around. “Please?” 

“Okay, fine.” Sheri carefully unzipped her backpack and handed him an envelope with his name on it. Just to be safe, he opened it up to see the little plastic bag inside.

Wednesday 3:11 p.m.

“Justin!” Called out a familiarly high-pitched voice. Justin had just gathered the rest of his homework from his locker and was ready to head over to the gym for basketball when he turned to see Chloe trotting down the hall towards him. “Justin! I’m so glad I caught you.”

“You are?” he asked, taken aback by the eagerness and the ease of their conversation. 

“Of course,” she stated in the same peppy tone she had created during the first club meeting. Justin had a feeling her voice was much calmer and far more bearable around her friends. He hoped, at least. “I need your help.” 

“Is this about the weed?”

“No,” she denied instantly. “No, I promise it’s not about that. I need your help because I know you live in that apartment with Ryan and Skye where Courtney used to live.” Her words came across as facts but there was a certain rhythm in her voice as if she was asking him. 

“Yeah, I do.” 

“Is there any way you could maybe host a little kickback?” 

“I don’t know, Skye doesn’t really want us to throw parties and Ryan will probably be pretty busy studying or something.” Chloe’s eyelids fluttered sadly and her shoulders seemed to sink a little bit. Although he still found her to be quite annoying, Justin felt bad that he had caused her to look so defeated to quickly. “How many people would this be?” 

“Just the club!” she exclaimed, perking back up to full energy mode immediately, “And maybe a few others. Like maybe Zach and Jeff and Scott?” 

“Okay, but that’s it. Promise me, no more than that.” 

“Thank you, thank you!” Chloe cooed, kissing both sides of Justin’s cheeks and bouncing on her heels. 

“What’s going on?” Justin didn’t need to turn around to know that the voice belonged to Jeff. His arm slid around Justin’s shoulder and Zach and Scott followed behind him, Scott trying to stand taller than he was at the sight of Chloe. 

“Justin just agreed to host a party next Friday for us!” Chloe declared, practically squealing in excitement. 

“Really?” Jeff asked, eyebrows lifting. Justin just shrugged, knowing there was no simple way to explain why he was throwing a party for a girl that none of them knew very well. 

“Isn’t he the best? You know the new student club that I started; well, we wanted to throw like a little party or something but none of us really have a place to do it but Justin volunteered.” 

“Volunteered?” Zach asked this time, his comment going practically unnoticed as Chloe continued on about how Hannah’s parents would never let them have the party there and how Sheri had too many younger siblings. 

“Are we invited?” Scott asked her. She nodded quickly. 

“Of course!” 

The details of the party and the hosting became so completely irrelevant in a single instant as the sight of bleach-blond hair appeared in Justin vision from across the hall. Alex was walking from a classroom over to a locker where Clay and Tony were waiting. As he walked time seemed to slow and the conversations seemed to mute and Justin felt like a gigantic magnet was right in the middle of himself and Alex: pulling and pulling their energies closer. 

Their eyes met for a moment, neither daring to draw the eye contact away. Justin felt his cheeks burning and his heart beating. When Alex tore his gaze away to greet Clay and Tony, Justin was reminded of his current position and he hoped none of the boys noticed his blush or the intense beating of his heart. 

“Hi,” Hannah said, her and Kat approaching the group. All of her attention was focused onto Justin and it felt so polar-opposite from the way looking in Alex’s eyes had just felt—it felt awkward and uncomfortable, like a burden. 

“Hi,” he responded, the rest of the group greeting her as well. “What’s up?” 

“Well,” Hannah started, looking towards Chloe. “I think we’re gonna have a little pre-game at my place this Friday before Amy’s party. You guys should join.” 

“Hell yeah,” Scott answered as soon as the last word rolled off her tongue. Zach laughed, patting him over the shoulder. 

“We’d love to come,” he said. Though he was excited at the thought of pre-gaming with the boys, the image of Hannah being there too and the amount of effort he was going to have to work up just to talk to her made his stomach hurt. However, he forced out a smile and told her he was looking forward to it. 

“Justin’s hosting next Friday, so we can all just pre-game at yours, right?” Justin wanted to kill Chloe but he simply smiled and nodded: of course they could.

Friday 1:28 a.m.

By Friday, Justin had practically memorized Alex’s Instagram. He knew every photo and every caption. Sadly, however, there were no actual photos of Alex for Justin to look at, to study—not that he wanted to admit that he would happily spend all week staring at pictures of the guy.

Confused by his entire thought process, Justin opened up a new tab on his phone. The first thing he typed into Google was Monet’s. Upon searching such a vague request, he realized he needed to narrow it down so he wouldn’t have to scavenge through thousands of Claude Monet pieces and articles. When he added Crestmont to the search, he was rewarded with the correct results. 

Unfortunately, Alex’s picture was nowhere to be found on their website. 

A new search popped into Justin’s mind and he typed it before the self-loathing could break through his exhausted mind: _how to get turned on by girls if you’re gay_. To the point. 

The results were pretty unhelpful, most of which only led Justin to forum’s about conversion therapy and then one website finally advised to imagine other men when having sex with women. The entire search made Justin feel a bit dirty and so he closed all the tabs and tried another google search: _how to tell if you’re gay_. 

This time, the results were extremely plentiful. Justin found a Buzzfeed quiz that seemed particularly worthwhile and began answering questions about his favorite flavor of ice cream, his ideal summer vacation, and many other completely random questions. At the end of the test, he was informed that he was only five percent gay and was prepared to carve it into stone. Satisfied with the results of the test, Justin closed the tab and tossed the phone onto his bed, decided to get up and get a drink of water in the hopes that it would help him to finally fall asleep. 

Though his body was physically exhausted, Justin’s mind was running a thousand miles a minute as he entered the kitchen. Thus, when he saw the dark shadow hovering over the sink, his busy mind drew quickly to the conclusion that it was an intruder or a monster and he shrieked. 

“Quiet, sweet one, quiet,” came Ryan’s own sleepy voice. “It’s just me.” 

“Why is it dark?”

“It’s the middle of the night,” explained Ryan and Justin felt stupid for even asking. Ryan set his empty glass in the sink and walked over to Justin and kissed his forehead. 

“Have you talked to your mom recently?” As soon as Ryan asked Justin felt small and much younger than he was. His eyes drew down to his feet and he shook his head, the exhaustion clouding his emotions and making him visually more upset than he truly felt. 

“No. Not since she kicked me out.” 

“Okay,” Ryan said, nodding although it was evident he thought there should have been recent contact between them. “You know I’m always here for you?” Justin nodded as Ryan’s arms suddenly pulled Justin against his chest for a hug. “If you ever want to talk about it, I’m always here.” Justin took a deep breath to stop himself from getting emotional and was both relieved and disappointed when Ryan pulled away from the hug. “Now go to sleep it’s late.” 

“Thanks, Ryan,” Justin said softly as Ryan disappeared down the hall to his room, smiling back knowingly at Justin’s comment.

Friday 5:42 p.m.

As basketball practice let out, Justin, Jeff, Zach, and Scott excitedly exited the boys’ locker room.

“I swear guys, tonight is the night!” Scott practically sang, “I’m gonna get laid, I can just feel it.” 

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Justin teased, earning laughs from both Jeff and Zach. 

“Go ahead and laugh, it’s your turn to pay for beer,” Scott retorted, shutting Justin up. 

“I can spot you if you need it, dude,” Jeff added in a quieter and more sincere tone when Justin didn’t respond. 

“No, I’m good for the beer,” Justin lied, hoping to figure out a way to stumble upon some money before eight o’clock when the pregame was going to start. 

“You’ve still got the weed, right?” Zach asked suddenly curious about his own plans for the night. 

“I’ve got it. Do you want it now?”

“Nah, hold on to it until tonight.” Justin nodded. “Do you need a ride?” 

“That’s okay, I think I’m gonna go to the store anyway,” explained Justin, Jeff’s eyebrows bouncing up and down at the mention of potentially buying booze. 

“See ya tonight, man,” called Scott as he and Zach piled into Zach’s car, Jeff heading through the parking lot to his own car. Justin waved as they pulled out of the lot and then happily stuck his headphones in as he made his way to the bus stop. Justin swore he was one of about twenty people who actually used public transportation in Crestmont. 

Once he was seated at the bus stop, Justin pulled out his phone and let his thumb linger over the two unread texts from his mom that he had received on Tuesday and Thursday. Finally, he clicked on the messages. 

_Baby you can come home, Seth is going to be out of town for the weekend._

The next text reminded Justin of why he definitely couldn’t go home for the weekend. 

_Seth’s brother is going to be moving in with us and he’s taking your room. If there’s anything you want, you need to come get it this weekend. I love you._

Justin closed the messages without a response and sent Ryan a text asking if he would use his fake id to buy Justin some beer for the night. Ryan responded quickly that he was on his way to the movies with a friend, a ‘maybe next time’ tagged at the end of the message. Feeling defeated, Justin perked up as the bus made its way to the stop. 

As Justin entered the bus he scrolled through his phone in search of a liquor store that didn’t card. He was so distracted as he sat down in an available seat that the “Hello” that sounded made him practically jump. 

It was Alex. 

“Um, hey,” Justin croaked, regaining his composure and trying to figure out where his eyes could look beside Alex’s—because looking into Alex’s eyes meant becoming a flustered fool. 

“Headed home?”

“Yeah.” Unsure of what to say, of a point interesting enough to talk about with the boy whose Instagram he had just spent the week stalking, Justin stared down at the coffee cup in Alex’s hand. “Monet’s?” 

“Yeah, I work there,” Alex said, confirming Justin’s suspicions. 

“That’s cool,” Justin offered. Alex nodded. 

“You like it?” 

“I love Monet’s.” 

“Well, I’m there all the time, so maybe I’ll see you sometime.” 

“Yeah, you probably will.” The conversation fell instantly into an awkward silence and Justin picked and prodded in the crevasses of his mind for an interesting topic to discuss; only one pressing issue came to mind. “Do you have a fake?” 

Alex looked skeptically at Justin for a second before chuckling and nodding. 

“Yeah, actually, I do. Why? You in the mood to break some laws?” 

“You caught me,” Justin played along, grinning at the ease in which Alex spoke. “Could you help me out?” 

“It would be my pleasure. I love aiding and abetting criminal acts. It’s actually my number one pastime.” Justin’s eyes made their way to Alex’s for the first time since he had arrived on the bus and let himself drift away into the peacefulness of Alex’s brown eyes. The tension in his shoulders evaporated and the knots in his lower back faded as Alex’s lips turned up into a small, toothless smile. “My fake’s at home, though.” 

“That’s totally cool.” 

Alex’s stop turned out to be close by, which give them minimal amounts of awkward silence before exiting the bus and walking down a lane of white picket fences to Alex’s house. 

“It’s date night,” Alex explained about his parents’ whereabouts as he unlocked the front door and held it open for Justin. “So it looks like it’s going to be up to the fates of Gordon Ramsey and Martha Stewart regarding my dinner.” 

“There’s always grilled cheese or frozen pizza. Nobody can fuck those up,” Justin prompted. Alex rolled his eyes. 

“You underestimate me. I actually have a secret grilled cheese recipe that Pinterest moms everywhere would kill for,” proclaimed Alex as he led Justin up the steps and through the hallway to his bedroom. 

The room reflected Alex’s Instagram perfectly: there were canvases scattered across the room, pieces taped and pinned to the walls, an acoustic and electric guitar in the corner, and dozens of album’s cover posters above his bed. What really screamed Alex to Justin was the collection of coffee cups and empty mugs on Alex’s desk. 

Alex tossed his backpack by the desk and scavenged the drawer for the fake id. 

“We’ve got beer downstairs if you wanna start your pregame a little early,” Alex offered. 

“Let’s do it.” 

After a few beers, the awkwardness had started to dissolve and a comfortable goofiness laced with sarcastic comments had taken its place. Justin found himself truly laughing, in the disgusting way that only happened once in a blue moon, and desperately latching on to the long moments when Alex’s eyes would meet his own and it was like Alex was peering straight into Justin’s soul. Eventually, Justin had brought Alex’s famous grilled cheese back into the conversation and Alex had hopped to his feet and rushed them back into the kitchen with a frying pan in his hand. 

Throwing spices and veggies into the pan along with the four slices of bread, Alex described the music festival he had been to that summer with his cousin. Alex was a huge music nerd, Justin was realizing, and the way he spoke about the festival was the way most little kids talked about Disney World. His attention was mesmerizing to Justin and the younger boy was hanging on every word as Alex flipped the sandwiches over and over in the pan until they were golden. 

“One, two, three!” Justin counted with great enthusiasm as they both went to take a bite at the same time. As Justin’s teeth tore into the bread, Alex pulled the sandwich away from his mouth and set it back on the plate and began laughing ferociously as Justin’s entire face scrunched up at the repulsive taste in his mouth. Forcefully chewing it enough so it would be swallowed without killing him, Justin managed to get the bite down. 

“Phenomenal, right? Easily Trip Advisor’s top ten for Crestmont,” Alex asked teasingly. 

“This is literally the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted,” admitted Justin, tone soft so Alex knew that it remained all in good fun. 

“No?” Alex feigned shock. “It couldn’t be. This is a family recipe that dates back for generations. My ancestors that came over on the Mayflower were too poor to bring any luggage but they had room for this recipe alone in their coat pockets.” Justin couldn’t help but listen to Alex’s words, though he knew they were all totally sarcastic, because of the glow in Alex’s expression as he spoke. He spoke as if his words were the art that was plastered across the walls of his bedroom, as if speaking sparked the same joy that he had felt during that music festival. Justin could listen to him talk forever and he would probably never get tired of listening to the sweet sound of Alex’s bitter words. 

As Alex grabbed more beers for the fridge, Justin opened his phone to see messages from the boys and from Hannah about the pregame that was supposed to start in fifteen minutes. Justin texted Hannah that the boys’ plans had changed and they couldn’t make it. He then proceeded to tell the boys that the party had been canceled. 

“Keep the criminal acts going?” Justin asked, taking the little plastic bag of weed out of his pocket. Alex’s face lit up and he nodded frantically. 

“We’ve gotta take it outside,” Alex said and tossed their sandwiches into the trash before leading Justin out of the house where they promptly sat down on the curb at the end of Alex’s driveway. It only took them a minute to roll a joint and get it lit, Justin taking a hit and then handing it to Alex. Alex’s fingers lingered for a very unreasonably long period of time before he took the joint for himself. 

They smoked and continued to laugh and gaze into each other’s eyes for a few minutes before a car pulled up to the curb and three heads appeared as its windows rolled down. 

“Hey babe,” the girl in the passenger’s seat cooed happily. Alex stood up and quickly made his way over to the car, kissing the girl through the car’s window. Two girls and a guy got out of the car—the girl in the passenger’s seat with long curly hair and a hesitant smile, eyes watching Alex like a hawk, flitting her gaze back and forth between Alex and Justin. 

“This is Noah, Emily, and my girlfriend Jess,” Alex introduced and then, in a quieter voice directed toward Justin alone, “Shit, I’m sorry. We totally forgot about the beer.” 

“it’s okay.” 

“Stay, please. You can pregame with us!”

As Alex began speaking to Jess and the other two, Justin checked his phone for the second time that night to find some extremely angry texts from his friends and some livid messages from Hannah telling him that she at least deserved a response if he was going to flake out on her. In the group chat with his friends they seemed more concerned than angry by the end of the text chain, Zach wondering if he had fallen off the face of the earth because he wasn’t responding. 

All the smiling and all the laughing, and yet all Justin felt know was shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a quick update?! My spring break is this week so I have a lot of time on my hands and there has been a lack of Skam France updates this week so I took out all my pent up excitement into this fic. I am much happier with this chapter than I was the first--I think because there's just more action in this chapter and less of the background building. Anyway, so happy with all the positive feedback from the first chapter! Hope all my beautiful readers are having some sunny days filled with confidence and good grades :))


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